At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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