I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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