well I can't set my house on fire every night
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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