The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Randomize
