if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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