New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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