I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
