I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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