do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize