I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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