Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
