final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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