Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
