Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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