He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
oh god was she eating orange peels again
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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