Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
