u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
