70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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