fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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