i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
