Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
