I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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