It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
