This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
