Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
