Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
