I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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