If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
