i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
