Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
