Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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