when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize