@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
