...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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