and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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