Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
