pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
