Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
