im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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