you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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