Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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