Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
