So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
