he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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