Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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