Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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