he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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