if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
