my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
