I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
