Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
