I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
