Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
