she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
