his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
