I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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