I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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