no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
