Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just high enough for therapy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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