I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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