The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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