apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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