Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
