So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
