I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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