I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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