I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
