Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
