Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
