I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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