3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
