Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
