i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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