My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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