i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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